Quotes


Subject: What the doctor wrote

> >                       WHAT THE DOCTOR WROTE...
> > 
> > The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as
> > dictated by physicians...
> > 
> > 
> > By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
> > feeling better.
> > 
> > Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> > 
> > On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
> > completely disappeared.
> > 
> > She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
> > was very hot in bed last night.
> > 
> > The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
> > 
> > Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
> > 
> > I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
> > when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the
> > floor.
> > 
> > The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
> > depressed.
> > 
> > Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.
> > 
> > The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank
> > to dispose of him.
> > 
> > Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
> > forgetful.
> > 
> > The patient refused an autopsy.
> > 
> > The patient has no past history of suicides.
> > 
> > The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
> > 
> > Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
> > 
> > The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
> > with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
> > 
> > She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
> > directions in early December.
> > 
> > The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath
> > with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which
> > gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
> > 
> > The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> > 
> > Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
> > 
> > The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
> > ran out of gas and crashed.
> > 
> > Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would
> > like to work her up.
> > 
> > She is numb from her toes down.
> > 
> > While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
> > 
> > The skin was moist and dry.
> > 
> > Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
> > 
> > Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
> > 
> > Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> > 
> > When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


Subject: Giggles

Norwich Union's accident reporting excuse file

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went
through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The
car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the
road."

"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on
fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Travelled by bus

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman
behind".

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at
the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give
way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of
the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the
face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the
shin."

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form
were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn

Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and
grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a
tanker."

"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What
shall I do about it?"

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if
I had thought there was any risk."

"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown
grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an
anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored.
Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in
'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?

A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of
second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down
hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the
embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an
intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way
causing me to have an accident.

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck
him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray
cows."

Subject: Amusement
> This must be why the legal profession is held in such high esteem.
> Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
> following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
> during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
> witnesses:
> 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
>     he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
> 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
> 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
> 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
> 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
> 6. "Did he kill you?"
> 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
> 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
> 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
> 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
>     A: "Yes."
>     Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
> 11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
>     A: "Yes."
>     Q: "How many were boys?"
>     A: "None."
>     Q: "Were there any girls?"
> 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
>     A: "Yes."
>     Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
> 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
>        you?"
>     A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
>     Q: "And you took your new wife?" 
> 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
>     A: "By death."
>     Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
> 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
>     A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
>     Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
> 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>         deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
>     A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
> 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
>     A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
> 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
> to?"
>     A: "Oral."
> 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
>     A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
>     Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
>     A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>         doing an autopsy."
> 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
>     A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
> 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
>     A: "I have been since early childhood."
> 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
>        a pulse?"
>     A: "No."
>     Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
>     A: "No."
>     Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
>     A: "No."
>     Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>         began the autopsy?"
>     A: "No."
>     Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
>     A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
>     Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
>     A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
>         law somewhere."              

Subject: Headlines

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `89
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Subject: Insurance
Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are mostly new with a
few oldies and are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual
Christmas magazine.....
     
     
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I 
thought.
     
     
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I 
realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a 
blanket."
     
     
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? 
A: Travelled by bus?
     
     
Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and 
answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party? 
A - Moo
     
     
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an 
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose 
concentration and hit a bollard."
     
     
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion 
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
     
     
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
     
     
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have 
asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
     
     
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a 
hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
     
     
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis 
ran into the rear of second car."
     
     
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
     
     
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him 
again"
     
     
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and 
had an accident."
     
     
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my 
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
     
     
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree 
I don't have."
     
     
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put 
my head through it".
     
     
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
     
     
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
     
     
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times 
Before I hit him."
     
     
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
     
     
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I 
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I 
did not see the other car."
     
     
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
     
     
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of 
the road when I struck him."
     
     
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
     
     
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the 
roof of my car"
     
     
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car 
with a big mouth"
     
     
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in 
a ditch by some stray cows."

©Eddy Langley - This page last updated 7 November 2003