Notices


Subject: Special today -- no ice cream

>Here are some signs and notices written in English as a second language,
>discovered in some of the world's more remote corners.
>
>
>In a Tokyo Hotel:
>Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do
>such a thing is please not to read notis.
>
>In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
>The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that
>you will be unbearable.
>
>In a Leipzig elevator:
>Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
>
>In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
>To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
>enter more persons, each should press a number of wishing floor. Driven
>is then going alphabetically by national order.
>
>In a Paris hotel:
>Please leave your values at the front desk.
>
>In a hotel in Athens:
>Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
>and 11 A.M. daily.
>
>In a Yugoslavian hotel:
>The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
>
>In a Japanese hotel:
>You are welcome to take advantage of the chambermaid.
>
>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
>You are welcome to visit the cemitary where famous Russian and Soviet
>composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
>
>In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
>Not to parambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots
>of ascension.
>
>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
>Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
>
>On the menu of a Polish hotel:
>Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
>the form of a finger; roasted duck let loos; beef rashers beaten up in
>the country people's fashion.
>
>Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
>Ladies my have a fit upstairs.
>
>In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
>Drop your trousers here for best results.
>
>Outside a Paris dress shop:
>Dresses for street walking.
>
>In a Rhoden tailor shop:
>Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
>strict rotation.
>
>From the Soviet Weekly:
>There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic
>painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
>
>A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
> It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
>different sex, for instance, man and women, live together in one tent
>unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
>
>In a Zurich hotel:
>Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in
>the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
>
>In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
>Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
>
>In a Rome laundry:
>Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good
>time.
>
>In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
>Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
>
>Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
>Would you like to ride on your own ass?
>
>In a Swiss mountain inn:
>Special today -- no ice cream.
>
>In a Bankok temple:
>It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
>
>In a Tokyo bar:
>Special cocktail for the ladies with nuts.
>
>In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
>We take your bags and send them in all directions.
>
>On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
>If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
>
>In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
>Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
>
>In the office of a Roman doctor:
>Specialist in women and other diseases.
>
>In an Acapulco hotel:
>The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
>
>In a Tokyo shop:
>Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the
>long run.
>
>From Japanese information booklet about using a hotel conditioner:
>Coolers and Heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room,
>please control yourself.
>
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
>When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
>melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
>him with vigor.

Subject: Amusing Warning Notices

>                    *** HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE ***
> This Message Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at
>      Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.


One is also minded to remember such favourites as:

  ******* WARNING: MATTER PRODUCT *******
  This product is constructed entirely of =

  Matter. Any contact with antimatter may
  result in a phenomenon similar to 'Big =

  Bang'.

and

        *** DO NOT USE THIS ITEM ***
Mere handling of this item increases molecular
disorder, thereby contributing to the premature
heat death of the Universe.

not forgetting

                ATTENTION
This product displays diffraction qualities.
Beware that it will SPREAD OUT on passing through
a singular opening approximating to (h/mv)

and finally,

CAUTION:
This product attracts every other body in the Universe
to it with a force proportional to the product of their
masses and inversely proportional to the square of the
distance between them.

Subject: More notices

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  
  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. 
  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles 
  your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  
  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to 
  have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you 
  have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at 
  the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and 
  only when lit up.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:  
  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
  and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily 
  except Thursday.

In an East African newspaper:  
  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the 
  contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: 
  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  
  The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time 
  we regret that you will be unbearable.

Subject: Notices

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
  Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
  A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
  variation has been played.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Japanese hotel room:
  Please to bathe inside the tub.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
  Our wines leave you with nothing to hope for.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
  Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
  Please leave your values at the front desk.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
  Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
  Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will
  execute customers in strict rotation.

Subject: Federal Drugs Administration

The FDA is considering putting additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles. 
Options under consideration include:
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you 
are not.
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story 
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are 
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened 
to your trousers.
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, 
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
     
WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH 
you.
     
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause eddies in the time-space continuum, 
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to disappear.
     
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

©Eddy Langley - This page last updated 7 November 2003