Subject: Dilbert Quotes

> A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest.  These are actual quotes from
>managers out there.
>"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
>using  individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
>and  employees will receive their cards in two weeks."  (This was the
>winning  quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)
>"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
>"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"
>"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It should be
>used only to be used for company business."
>"Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a
>good  job in training people."
>"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
>important  interfere with it."
>"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
>"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been
>working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
>you know when it's time to tell them."
>"We have an accountability problem, but it's no one's fault!"

Subject: How it happens

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is crock of shit,
and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of
dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container
of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It
promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new
plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with
very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

©Eddy Langley - This page last updated 7 November 2003