Subject: The names have been changed to protect the guilty

The following is supposedly a true story....

The National Westminster Bank in England admitted last month that it
keeps  personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mass-mail 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through the databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently fired.

Subject: Something to read

The UL seems to think this is important...   

   A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured
   them against fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he
   had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance
   company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
   consumed the cigars normally. The man sued. The judge stated that
   since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were
   obliged to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the
   company then had him arrested for arson.

Subject: Hello earthling

 Hello dear Earthling,

 I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your
 planet. I have transformed myself into this text file. As you
 are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you
 like it because you are smiling.

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine
by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their
pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They
panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the
machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their
license plate still attached to the bumper.

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at
the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs 
official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a
handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to
demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial
amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged
gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old
woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was 
sentenced to four years in jail.

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For
payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his
prison term back, plus eight more years.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When
his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four
frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be
counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
"Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge
rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a
schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with
delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not
pass through a red light' five hundred times."

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too
far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who 
was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge 
reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the
window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb."  "Well put,"
the judge replied.  "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.  He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses."  The defendant smiled.  With his
lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.

Thanks Beasley  who reminds us:

      It's true a penny saved is a penny earned,
      but it's a waste of a deposit slip,
      and it really ticks off the tellers.

                        FEELING STRESSED?

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.  No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
holding under the water.

Look...It's the person who caused you all this stress in the
first place.

What a pleasant surprise.  You let them up.....just for a quick
breath.....then PLOOP!...back under they go....

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now......feeling better?

                         THE END IS NEAR

One day God was looking down on the Earth and realized it was
overrun with bad people.  So God wrote a letter to the few good
people left telling them how to turn all the bad people into good
people like themselves.

What do you mean, "what did it say?"   ... Didn't you get one?


   A little girl ran out to the backyard where her father was working,
and asked him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

   Like a good father, he sat her down, and told her all about the
birds and the bees.  He told her about conception, sexual intercourse,
sperms and eggs etc...  He also told her about puberty, menstruation,
erections, wet-dreams...

   He thought, what the hell, and went on to tell her the works.  He
describe masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex, pornography,
bondage and discipline, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, bestiality,
sex toys, etc.. etc...

   His daughter was somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of
bizarre new knowledge.  Noticing her puzzled look, he asked, "So what
did you want to know about sex for?"

   His little girl replied, "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a
couple of secs..."

Subject: Cows

         (__)               )__(          vv    vv
         (oo)               (oo)          ||--- ||  *
  /-------\/         *-------\/           ||     | /
 / |     ||         / |     ||           /\-------/
*  ||----||        /  ||----||          (oo)
                      vv    vv          (~~)

    USA Cow         Nerd USA Cow       Australian Cow

        (__)                 (__)                (--)
        (00)                 (-o)             (*>YAWN<*)
  /------\/            /------\/           /------\/
 /|     ||            /|     ||           /|     ||
* ||----||           * ||----||          * ||----||

Cow w/ Glasses    Flirtatious cow     Cow after pulling an
                   (winking)            all-nighter

             O__O                        \_|_/
             (oo)                        (oo)
      /-------\/                  /-------\/
     / |     ||                  / |     ||
    *  ||----||                 *  ||----||

  Cow at Disneyland    Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty

          \ (__)               (__)      *        (__)
          \\(oo)               (\/)       \       (oo)
     /-----\\\/         /-------\/         \-------\/
    / |    (##)        / |     ||         8-|     ||
   *  ||----||        *  ||----||           ||----||
                         ~~    ~~
 Scottish cow playing.  Cow from Beijing   Wind-up Flying Cow

*        (__)             (__)            (__)           (__)
 \       (oo)             (oo)            (oo)           (oo)
  \-------\/       /-------\/      /-------\/     /-------\/
  /|      |\      / /      \      / \      /     / \      \
 //||----||\\    * //------\\    *   \\--//     *   \\----\\

  Cow walking        Cow jogging    Cow running    Cow braking

        (oo)                     (__)         *     (__)
         \/                      (oo)         |     (oo)
     ____| \____          /-------\/       ooo|------\/
     ---/   --**         / |       /          |      |
  *____/    |___//      *  ||----||           ||----||
     //__                    Cow           Cow pooing
     Cow marching          standing

         (oo)                U
  /-------\/             /---V
 / |     ||             * |--|                .
*  ||----||

Cow at 1 meter.    Cow at 100 meters.  Cow at 10,000 meters.

         (__)             (__)              (__)           (__)
         (oo)             (oo)              (oo)           (oo)
  /-------\/-*     /-------\/        /-------\/     ~~~~~~~~~~~~
 / |     || \     )*)(\/* /  *      / |     ||
*  ||----||  *   \ |||/)|/()(     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/   \)|(/\/|)(/\
  Cow munching   Grass munching     Cow in water   Cow in swimming
   on grass           on cow                            pool

         (__)                   (__)                 (__)
         (OO)                   (@@)                 (xx)
  /-------\/             /-------\/           /-------\/
 / |     ||             / |     ||           / |     ||
*  ||----||            *  ||----||          *  ||----||

Cow who drank Jolt     Cow who ate        Cow who used Jolt to wash
                  psychedelic mushrooms   down psychedelic mushrooms

               )\               (__)
              /  \              (oo)
       Cow swimming in shark infested water

     (  (    )
   ( (     )   )
   ( (         )
  (           / )
 ( ( \\       )
     ( |  // )
       |   |    (__)
       |   |    (oo)                   (__)
       |   | ----\/              ______(oo)_____
       |   |    ||              ( _)_______(__) )
     **|   | ---||                \ __________/
        Cow Hide                     Cow Pie

                    **   **
               * **  * * *  **
              *   /  /   \ *  *
           \  \ /  \        / /                       (__)
        *  /  / \  \  (__)  \ \              /--------(00)
          /           (00)  / /             / |      |(  )
          \    /-------\/   \ \            *  ||---- ||()
          /   / |     ||    / /               ||     ||
        \ \  *  ||----||    \ \
       /  /             / /          Cow Chewing Marbles
               Cow in Heat

          (__)             (__)      *        (__) *      (__)
          (oo)             (oo)       \       (oo) |      (oo)
  /--------\/      /-oooooo-\/         \-------\/  \-------\/
 * o|     ||      * ooooooooo        o  o|     ||   /     ||
    ||----||     ooooooooooooo           ||----|| >/-----||
 ooo        ooooooooooooooooo

  Cow taking      Cow in deep           Cow getting the poo
    a poo            poo                kicked out of her

         o  o
         |__|               (__)             (__)
         (oo)               (oo)            ((oo))          oo
  /-------\/         /-------vv       /-------\/
 / |     ||         / |     ||       / |     ||
*  ||----||        *  ||----||      *  ||----||
   ~~    ~~           ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~
bill bixby          bela lugosi      boris karloff     claude rains
male relative cow      cow              cow               cow

                                       /\                __
                                      /  \               ||
             (__)               (__)  \  /             (_||_)
             SooS               (oo)   \/               (oo)
      /------S\/S        /-------\/    /S        /-------\/
     / |     ||         / |     ||    /  S      / |     ||
    *  ||----||        *  ||----||___/    S    *  ||----||

    This cow belonged     Ben Franklin owned     Abe Lincoln's
  to George Washington       this cow                 cow

         *        (__)                       (oo)
          \       (oo)                 /------\/
           \-------\/                 /|  |/  |
            |   $ ||                 / |  [) ||
            ||----||                *  ||----||

     Old "One Arm" belonged       This cow was given to
       to Caesar's Palace       Hugh Hefner for his Birthday

                  (___)            (__)      (__)
                  ( O )            (oo)      (oo)
           /-------\ /              \/--------\/
          / |     ||V                |        |
         *  ||----||                 ||------||

  The cyclops that Jason and       This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow       Dr. Doolittle

             (__)               (__)
             [##]               (@o)
      /-------\/         /-------\/          /-------  (__)
     / |     ||         / |     ||          / |     || (oo)
    *  ||----||        *  ||----||         *  ||----|---\/

 This cow belonged   This cow lived with   This cow belonged to
  to Liliann V.L.    the Little Rascals    the Headless Horseman

        /---+      +--\/
       / |  |      | ||
      *  ||-+      +-||

   David Copperfield's Cow    David Copperfield's other Cow

          (__)                               / '' ` )
          (oo)    o     /| /|/|_            |      /|
         / \/    /    /      _ /            |  |  | |
        /  _\       ___\_____/___           |_____|_|
    ___|__/ |/\    (___________(_)           //|| ||
   *                                        *  ww ww

            Mrs. O'Leary's Cow            Cow'nt Dracula

         (__)               (__)                   (__)
         (\/)               ($$)                   (**)
  /-------\/         /-------\/             /-------\/
 / | 666 ||         / |     ||             / |     ||
*  ||----||        *  ||----||            *  ||----||

Satanic cow          Yuppie Cow           Cow in love
         (__)                  '(oo)`
         (oo)            /-----'-\/ `
  /-------\/            / |     |>
 / |     ||            *  ||----| (~)
*  ||----||               ~~    ~
   ~~    ~~             Moo-ammar Cowdafi
   holy cow            (armed and dangerous)      (---)
                                                  (   )
         (___)             (___)                 /-----\
         (o o)             (o o)                 |     |
  /-------\ /       /-------\ /                  |  |  |
 / |     ||O       / |  O~ ||O                   |  |  |
*  ||,---||       *  ||,---||                    |  *  |

    A Bull       A-bomb-in-a-bull    No-bull     Coward

         (__)                 \__\             (__)
         (oo)             o   (oo)             (oo)
  /-------\/           ____\___\/      *+-------\/
 / |     ||           / |     ||       ||______||
*  ||----||          *  ||----||         ||----||
   OO    OO             OO    OO          OO    OO
Detroit cow          Mustang cow        pickup cow

                 (__)           (__)            \_||_~
                 (oo)           (oo)            (*||*)
  /---------------\/        /----\/      /-------\||/
 / |             ||        /    ||      / |     ||
*  ||------------||     *-||----||     *  ||----||
   OO            OO       OO    OO        OO    }{
      li-moo-cow       fastback cow    teenager's cow

Subject: Bad Day?

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river
near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb
out, and swim to shore-where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983
on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing
on passed under a low-level bridge-killing him..

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas
to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to
search for his files.  The remaining wall then collapsed on him,
killing him instantly.

Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in
his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill
himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after
about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It
went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin,
presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat
up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright

A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured,but
laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to
pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then
rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Suprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out
the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found
himself in the city prison

In 1976, a 22-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy
Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its
roof.  The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road,
another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove
on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a
delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake 3 injured
bystanders, and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth
vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was
hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes, Finnegan suffered a
fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted
injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway border crossing, just as the crossing gates were
coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a
goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a
horseand cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man
in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse
startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be triffled with,
Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence,
the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the
motorcyclist.The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement,
backed away briskly,smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the
sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer
came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the
crossing gate rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the
insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in
heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car
at a snail's pace from opposite directions but both near the middle of
the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the
windows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe
head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

In a case of "one thing leading to another", seven men, aged 18-27 years,
received jail sentences of 3-4 years each in Kingston-On-Thames, England in
1979, after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at
another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged  himself. When
his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance,
a  neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her
arms laden, the outraged and  suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the
backside.  This so suprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart
attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife
were reconciled.

This guy went out on Saturday night to a party.  He was having a
good time, had a couple of beers and some girl seemed to like him and
invited him to go to another party.  He quickly agreed and decided to
go along with her.  She took him to a party in some apartment and they
continued to drink, and  even got involved with some other drugs
(unknown which). The next thing he knew, he woke up completely naked
in a bathtub filled with ice.  He was still feeling the effects of the
drugs, but looked around to see he was alone.  He looked down at his
chest,which had "CALL 911 OR YOU WILL DIE" written on it in lipstick.
He saw a phone was on a stand next to the tub, so he picked it up and
dialed.  He explained to the EMS operator what the situation was and that
he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he was really calling.
She advised him to get out of the tub.  He did, and she asked him to look
himself over in the mirror.  He did, and appeared normal, so she told him to
check his back.  He did, only to find two 9 inch slits on his lower back.
She told him to get back in the tub immediately, and they sent a rescue team
over.  Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had
happened.  His kidneys were stolen.  They are worth 10,000 dollars
each on the black market.

Subject: Happy Day of Atonement

About a century ago, the Pope decided that all the jews had
to leave the Vatican.  Naturally, there was a big uproar
from the Jewish community, so the Pope made a deal.  He
would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish
community.  If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope
won, they would have to leave.
The Jews realized they had no choice, so they selected a
middle aged man named "Moishe" to represent them.
Moishe asked for one addition to the debate.  To make it
more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk, and
the Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came.  They sat opposite one
another for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand
and showed 3 fingers.  Moishe looked back at him and raised
1 finger.  The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his
head.  Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer aand a glass of wine.  Moishe
pulled out an apple.  The Pope stood up and said, "I give
up. This man is too good.  The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking
him what happened.  The Pope said, "First I held up 3
fingers to rerpresent the Trinity.  He responded by holding
up 1 finger to remind me that there was still one God common
to both our religions.  Then I waved my finger around me to
show him that God was all around us.  He responded by
pointing to the ground and showing that God was right here
with us.  I pulled out the wafer and wine to show that God
absolves us from our sins.  He pulled out an apple to remind
me of original sin.  He had an answer for everything.  "What
could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish Community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe.  "First he said to me that the Jews had
3 days to get out of here.  I told him that not one of us
was leaving.  Then he told me that this whole city would be
cleared of Jews.  I told him that we were staying right
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe.  "He took out his lunch, so I
took out mine."

(Anyone offended, please flame away)

Subject: What's the day?

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires 

15Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.  
14Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.  
12Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck 
    yelling, "Look Ma!  It's Elvis!" 
10After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find 
    clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.  
 9After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
 8No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
 7With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs 
    are suddenly off-limits.
 6No warm blood for miles around DC. 
 5Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.  
 4No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body. 
 3Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
 2Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

    and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires... 

 1Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

The Top Ten Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.

 and, the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex...

     A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween 
     Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband 
     to go to the party alone.  He, being a devoted husband,
     protested, but she argued and said she was going to take 
     some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his 
     good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his 
     costume and away he went.

     The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened 
     without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to 
     the party. Since her husband did not know what her
     costume was, she thought she would have some fun by 
     watching her husband to see how he acted when she was 
     not with him.

     She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting 
     around on the dance floor, dancing with everyone he could, 
     copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife 
     sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, 
     he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the 
     new stuff that had just arrived.

     She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was 
     her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her 
     ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars for
     a little workout.  Just before unmasking at midnight, she 
     slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got 
     into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would 
     make for his behavior.

     She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what 
     kind of a time he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing. 
     You know I never have a good time when you're not there." 
     Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell 
     you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met 
     Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
     den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy 
     I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

PC HALLOWEEN - [Not "The Raven", E.A.Poe]

                   Abort, Retry, Ignore?

 Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
 System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
 Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
 Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
 I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
 Only this and nothing more.

 Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
 Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
 But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
 "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!  Save my data from before!"
 One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
 Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
 These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
 Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
 The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
 Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
 From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
 Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
 Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
 But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
 Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
 Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
 I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
 Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
 Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
 Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
 Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
 Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
 And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
 A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
 The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
 Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

 To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
 What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
 Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
 But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
 You will  one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
 Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Subject: Another picture thing

I was really impressed by this one... simple things!

Get the first picture in view and press the space bar like it says

  o      ___
 /|\    /___\______
** Start Hitting Spacebar Now **
   o     ___
  /|\   /___\______
     o  ___
        ___ /|\
        ___  /|\
        ___   /|\
        ___     /|\
        ___       |=
        ___       o
       /___\__    |=
>_______/____|_ ---_>
        ___       |=
        ___       _>
                      /  \
>_______/____|_    --
        ___                \
        ___               \o
       /___\_______        \
        ___                \
       /___\_______         \o
>_______/____|_                \
       /___\_______           \
>_______/____|_                  \
            |                  |o
>_______/____|_                  \|
            |                   |
            |                   |o
            |                   \|
            |                  ' |..'
>_______/____|_                         . .
            |                        . '. '
            |                    '.\/..'.
            |                     .'..''..
            |                     . .'.' '
>-                                   /
            |                        . .
            |                     ..'.'.
            |                      . .
                            o__// ''
>-                           //
>-                           \
            |          o
                      / \
            |          o/
                      / \
            |             , hello!
            |          o/
                      / \

Subject: Last Laugh

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes &n then suddenly stop and
look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it
on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a
good half hour. 

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with. 

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at
the highest volume possible over and over again. 

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files. 

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 

12. Type on the computer for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3
minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing. 

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It
helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type
by hitting the keys with the straw. 

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to
your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when
it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where
the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next
to you. 

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never
provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases
tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends,
cut them and deposit them on your neighbour's keyboard as you leave. 

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on
your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the
aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper
like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad
working conditions. 

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
continue working. 

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat,
the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard &
taking it. 

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
the old ways are best. 

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbour is noticing (You can hit the space
bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbour's
keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire
word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake
your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep
doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's
document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting!
Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor
and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects,
put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the
computer is drooling.) 

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing,
grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the
mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" Peek up from under
the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked
this time," and calmly start to type again. 

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to
them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a
chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the
lead doesn't work. 

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out. 

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
calmly sit down and begin to type. 

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and
say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for
the next week". 

50. Two words: Tesla Coil. 

Subject: ?...

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,she
puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in
the  driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the  little boy says, "It's dark in here,
isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.

The following week,the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a
car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her
little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball
and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the
profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right
now.  You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father
explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that in here," the priest says.

Subject: Few funnies

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.  He looked around
and didn't see anyone - so he opened the bottle.  To his surprise, A
genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to be out of that bottle that I will
now grant you one wish.  The man thought for a while and finally said,
"I have always wanted to go to Hawaii.  The problem is, airplanes are
much too frightening for me, and on boats I become very seasick. So, I
wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a moment and said, "No, I don't think I can do
that. I mean, consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway, and
how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of  the ocean.  Then
there's all the pavement to be laid down...No, that's just too much to
wish for, try again."

The man was a bit upset but told the genie, "Well, there is one other
thing I've always wanted...I'd like to be able to understand women.  You
know, what makes them laugh and cry, why they are so sensitive, why they
can be so wonderful one moment and so difficult to get along with the
next...basically, I want to know what makes them tick."  The genie sat
and pondered the man's request.  After just a few seconds he looked up
and said...

"So, would you like two lanes or four?"

Subject: TFTD ... Chicken!

Probably the best collection of "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
EVER!!!!! Forwarded by a friend.

    TEACHER:  To get to the other side.

    PLATO:  For the greater good.

    ARISTOTLE:  It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.

    KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.

    TIMOTHY LEARY:  Because that's the only trip the establishment would
    let it take.

    SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
    quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    RONALD REAGAN:  I forget.

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    ANDERSON CONSULTING:  Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
    was threatening it's dominant market position.  The chicken was faced
    with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
    required for the newly competitive market.  Anderson Consulting, in a
    partnering relationship with  the client, helped the chicken by
    rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation
    process.  Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson helped
    the chicken use it's skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
    experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in
    support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management

    Anderson Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
    and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in
    the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of
    meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both
    tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in
    order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
    architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
    across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting
    was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
    environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built
    upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with
    the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive
    towards the creation of a total business integration solution.

    LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.  The
    chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will
    be free to cross roads without having their motives called into

    MOSES:  And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the
    chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the
    road, and there was much rejoicing.

    FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many
    more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?

    RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the
    chicken DID NOT cross the road.

    MACHIAVELLI:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who
    cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive
    there was.

    JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross the road?  I mean, why doesn't
    anyone ever think to ask,  "What the heck was the chicken doing
    wandering around all over the place anyway?"

    FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
    crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 (with
    integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads,
    but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your

    OLIVER STONE:  The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
    road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom
    we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

    DARWIN:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
    selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross

    EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
    beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    BUDDHA:  Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.

    RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road... it
    transcended it.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.

    COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?

Subject: new science

_New Scientist_ has a competition each year in which
readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and
tell the world the headline they would most like to
see (in _New Scientist_) in the year to come.

Here are this year's winners:

Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive
(Valerie Moyses).

Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge
(Cheryl Chapman).

Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).

Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies
are true (J. White).

Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic
determinism (Stephen Thompson).

Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray

I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena

Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian
scientist (Peter Rowland).

Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one
each (George Oldham).

"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin

Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin

Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator
in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson).

The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht
gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma).

Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop
hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph).

Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from
remaindered books (Ronald Smith).

Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley).

Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin,
look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore).

Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down
by tourist's car (Richard Collender).

"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA
now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn).

Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach).

Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam).

"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy
Christmas (Melissa Lewis)

Subject: Octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on 
a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented 
"He can play any instrument in the world." 
Everyone in the bar laughs at him, calling him an idiot. So he bets 
everyone $50 that the octopus can play any instrument they can 
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The 
octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin it up. 
So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet 
better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with them 
for minute, finally sitting them down with a confused look. 
"Ha!" says the man. "Can't you play it?" 
The octopus looks up at the man. 
"Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I get its pyjamas off"

Subject: hee hee hee

A Reading, a Cambridge and an Oxford student were in an airplane
that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great
white throne. God addresses The Reading student first:

"What do you believe in?"

The Reading Student replies, "Well, I believe in power to the
people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about
and that  no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.
also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come
and sit at my left." 

God then addresses the Cambridge student: "What do you believe in?"

The Cambridge student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion
is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any
more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll
all die."

God thinks for a second and says: "Okay, that sounds good. Come and
sit at my right."

God then address the Oxford student. "What do you believe in?"

 "I believe you're in my chair."

Subject: For when it all gets too much...

Was it the one about the pilot who's making an announcement as a passenger
flight is about to take off and accidentally leaves the tannoy on. He
turns to his co-pilot and says, "Well, Fred, I'm going to have a cup of
tea, I think, and then I'm going to fuck that lovely blonde air hostess."
and the air hostess in question rushes to the cockpit to tell him that
he's left the tannoy on and everybody's heard, but some old lady in a seat
half way down gets up and stops her, saying, "Calm down, love, no need to
run, he won't have finished his cup of tea yet."

Subject: Fwd

    "A hole has been found in the hedge near a nudist colony. Police are
                             looking into it."
   . A frog telephoned the Psychic Hot line and was told, "You are going
   to meet a beautiful, young woman who will want to know everything
   about you."
   The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party?"
   "No," said the psychic. "Next term--in her biology class."
   . After dinner one evening, a rancher's wife was entertaining their
   house guest by playing the piano. At one point she turned to the
   visitor and said, "I understand you love music."
   "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on
   . "Your Honour, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would
   love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only
   opening the door for her out of chivalry."
   "Uncle Bob," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot
   believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 60 mph."
   . Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem?
   He thought that nobody important was out to get him.
   . Man: Doctor, Doctor, I've just swallowed a pillow
   Doctor: How do you feel?
   Man: A little down in the mouth.
   . My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
   notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven
   . My husband took our young daughter to the grocery store with him. In
   addition to the healthful items on my carefully prepared shopping
   list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies. Noticing my
   glare, my husband said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer
   calories than usual."
   "Why is that?" I asked.
   "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.
   . Uncle Bob went to a county fair yesterday. He asked one of the
   vendors for directions to a certain attraction. The vendor told him,
   "Keep on going to the left and you'll run right into it."
   Uncle Bob started to leave, then turned around and yelled, "I hope
   not! - That would be painful!"
   . To my previous Boss of 3 painful years:
   I worship the ground that awaits you.
   . The police sent a set of pictures of a wanted criminal to all
   stations within 100km. The set contained a front shot and two side
   shots. A week later they got a fax saying, "We've caught the fellow in
   the middle but we're still looking for the other two."
   . A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The
   officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned
   her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if
   they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him: Mother didn't
   come after all."
   . Two cab drivers met on the street.
   "Hey," one asked, "What's the idea of painting one side of your cab
   red and the other side blue?"
   "Well," the other replied, "When I get into an accident, you should
   see how all the witnesses contradict each other!"
   . A guy dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow
   goes to a lawyer, and explains the problem. Lawyer asks, "Did your
   husband say anything to you before he died?"
   "Yeah, he said: Mary, you can't hit the broad side of a barn with that
   thing, so put it down."
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words
   * Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
   weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the very edge of
   the pool and throw them fish.
   * An optimist is a fellow who grabs a fishing pole when he discovers
   his basement is flooded.
   * I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
   * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
   * Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
   . Q: What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
   A: Decalfinated
   . With some of these new cellular phones, you don't even have to dial
   a number. To call her house, Aunt Billie just says "Home" into her
   phone and it automatically dials for her. If she says "Office" it
   calls her office.
   One day, while driving home, she was cut off by another driver.
   "IDIOT" she yelled, and her cellular phone picked up and connected to
   the White House.
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions
   * Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
   * If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
   * Any of you out there remember when "Is it a boy or a girl?" only
   referred to babies ?
   . One day my boss asked me to submit a status report concerning a
   project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough
   and he replied, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
   tomorrow to ask for it!"
   . On the first day of school a teacher told her kindergarten class,
   "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers."
   After a moment of quiet thought, one little boy asked, "How will that
   . Aunt Billie is such an awful cook that each day there's a line of
   pygmies outside the kitchen window - waiting to dip their arrows in
   her soup!
   . Inside a University Textbook: This is not a publication to toss
   aside lightly. It should be thrown aside with great force.
   . Cousin Baby Boomer's 100% irrelevant fact of the month
   No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
   . Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move
   * Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, "I have
   life in my hands, bow down to me!" Then point at each one and declare
   good or bad plants, while watering the good ones.
   * Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house.
   (ie- chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
   * Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans. If they ask why
   "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other
   Walk away laughing hysterically.
   * Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they
   close, state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two
   * At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say ,
   "looks like they're on the move again."
   * When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit
   down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window
   so you can hear too.
   * Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a
   different part of their body.
   * Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave
   patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
   . Fun things to do if you're bored.
   * Wash a tree.
   * Scare Stephen King.
   * Boil ice cream.
   * Rearrange political campaign signs.
   * Clean and polish your belly button.
   * Paint your orange.
   * Knight yourself and some close friends.
   * Be in the wrong place at the right time.
   * Recite romantic your toaster.
   * Take your sofa for a walk.
   * Learn to type 75 WPM...with your toes.
   * Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
   * See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
   * Write letters to all the political officials that are representing
   you, and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.

  The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport,
VT named Scott Williams who digs things out of his back yard and sends the
stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific
names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really
exists and does this in his spare time!'s the actual response
from the Smithsonian Institution.

       Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty
to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

       Smithsonian Institute
       207 Pennsylvania Avenue
       Washington, DC 20078

       Dear Mr.  Williams:

       Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
 "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."

       We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million
years ago.

      Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes
to be "Malibu Barbie."

      It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who
are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings.  However, we do feel that there are a number
of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its
modern origin:

       1.  The material is molded plastic.  Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.

       2.  The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified

       3.  The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

       This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it.  Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

       A.  The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.

       B.  Clams don't have teeth.

       It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated.  This is partially due to the heavy
load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To
the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and
carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

       Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.

       Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species
name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be

       However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum.  While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem
to accumulate here so effortlessly.  You should know that our  Director has
reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site
you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

       We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to
pay for it.  We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix that makes the\excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur
you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent

       Yours in Science,

       Harvey Rowe
       Chief Curator- Antiquities

Gene Freeman

Subject: A Short History of Medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Subject: Coincidence

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker, A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in 
Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Subject: I want to be..........

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter.

He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you
six months to go back  to earth and be anyone you want." 

The first Italian nun says (thick Italian accent, con brio), 
"I vant-a to be-a Sophia Loren-a" and (poof!) she's gone.

The second says, "I vant-a to be-a Madonna" and <poof!>she's gone. 

The third says, "I vant-a to be-a Sara Pipalini." 

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. 

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. 

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name  just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says "no Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline
laid by 500 men in 7 days.

Subject: Lightbulb Jokes (theatre)


Q: How many stagehands does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. That's an Electrician's job.


Q: OK, then, how many Electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None of your damn business.


Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 15. You gots a f***ing problem wit dat?


Q: How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 2 one to sweep up the glass and the other to pull out the base.


Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:, make it 4... on second thought 3... make it 5 just to be


Q: How many interns does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It doesn't matter, you'll have to do it again anyway.


Q: How many PA's does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they're still f**king with the switch.


Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 11. 1 to change the bulb, 10 to clap.


Q: How many lighting designers does is take to change a lightbulb? 

A: None. Its a carefuly orchestrated blackout.


Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Well... Does it have to be a lightbulb? Why can't it be a candle?


Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb? 

A: Hmmmmmm..........Light bulb..............Allow me to ponder the
changing of the bulb.


Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I DONT CARE- JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!


Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: What's it's motivation?


Q: How many interns does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I dunno....I'm just happy to be here.


Q: How many IA guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.


Q: How many actors does it take to change a light?

A: One.... if he can find it.


Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One; the actor holds the lightbulb, and theworld revolves around the


Q: How many straight actors does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Both of them.


Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None: its a lamp.


Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lamp?

A: None...if it worked once they aren't gonna play with it.....


Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?

A: An actor changing a light bulb.

Subject: An amusing little game for you...

You might want to try this one... (AND NO CHEATING!)

This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Don't read
ahead, just do it in order.  It takes about 3 minutes ...Total!

Actually, it's neither funny nor creepy, but it is a good way of wasting
a few minutes.  It' probably worthwhile doing properly (ie don;'t cheat)

1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
2.) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want.
3.) Beside the 3rd and 7th numbers, write down the names of members of your
sexual preference. Don't look ahead .... or it won't turn out right !
4.) Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th,5th, and 6th

Don't cheat or you'll be upset that you did ... this is interesting!

Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.

Finally, make a wish.....

And here is the key for that game....

1.) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game in (the
number in space 1) days in order to make your wish come true.
2.) The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
3.) The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out.
4.) You care most about the person you put in 4.
5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star
7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3.
8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about sex!

Quite weird how the song titles seem to exactly fit??!

Subject: Memory Man

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar
in the hills of Nevada.  He was chatting to the bartender when he
spied an old Indian sitting in the corner.  He had tribal gear on,
long white plaits, wrinkled face.
'Who's he?' said the scouser.
'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender.  'He knows everything.
He can remember any fact.  Go and try him out.'
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know anything about
English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.
'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds' was the reply.
'And the score?'
'Who scored the winning goal?'
'Ian St John' was the old man's reply.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about
the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the
impressive Memory Man.  Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian, only this time he was older and more
Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in
his native
tongue.  He approached him with the greeting 'How.'
The Memory Man replied....'Diving header in the six yard box.'

Subject: Very bad joke

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were enjoying a quiet drink in a bar.
The bar door opened, and in walked a Humbug.
"Oh Shit" shouted the Polo, diving underneath the table.
"What are  you doing?" said the Smartie.
"That humbug always slaps me and bullies me whenever I see him, so
I'm hiding", said the Polo.
"You should stand up to him" said the Smartie. "He'll respect you if
you do"
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a smack.
"Piss off you stripy twat, or I'll knock you out" said Polo.
"Na, no problem Polo mate, leave it" said Humbug.

Next night Polo & Smartie are sitting in the bar, when Humbug walks
in with his friend, Tune.
"Oh shit" shouted Polo, diving underneath the table.
"What are you doing?" shouted Smartie,
"I know you told me to stand up to bullies, but he's with Tune" said
"So?" said Smartie.
"He's fucking menthol" said Polo.

Subject: Etch-A-Sketch FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Subject: Stupdily amusing

just as the heading says...........

A man is walking by an insane asylum when he hears all the
residents chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! ... ... ..." 

Quite curious about all this, he peers through a hole in 
the fence. As he looks in, someone pokes him in the eye. 

Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! 

Subject: Food for thought

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The
results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates
the causal link between all-weekend parties, and the achievement of
excellence in all disciplines. It also explains why, after a few short
years after leaving university and getting married,   most workers
cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few who stick to the strict regime of voracious alcohol
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved in
their college years.
If you feel that you are losing your competitive and technological
edge, do not sit and shudder at home - get back into the lager .
Your company needs you to be at your peak, and you should not deny
yourself the sparkling career that you deserve!

Subject: World Cup Guidelines

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.  It is
intended  as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe.  It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly  as important as it thinks.  It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and  some smaller nations of no particular consequence and
with not very  good  shopping.   France is a very old country with many
treasures, such as the Louvre  and  EuroDisney.  Among its 
to western civilization are  champagne,  Camembert cheese and the
guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern 
air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get 
Mexican food.  One continuing exasperation for American visitors is  
the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will  
English if shouted at.  As in any foreign country, watch your change  
all  times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a  great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, 
have  no concept of standing patiently in line.  The French people are 
general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and 
and those  are their good points.   Most French citizens are Roman
Catholic, though you would hardly guess  it  from their behavior.  Many
people are communists, and topless  sunbathing is  common.  Men 
have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss  each  other when they hand
out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to 
baseball caps  and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.


In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised
that,  from time to time, it is invaded by Germany.  By tradition, the
French  surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of  Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock  market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on
much as before.   A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has  been  opened in recent years to make it easier for
the Government to flee to  London.


France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.  Other  
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and  
now  an airport.


The French form of government is democratic but noisy.  Elections are
held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.  For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths,  and floor tiles.   Parliament consists of two chambers,
the Upper and Lower (though,  confusingly, they are both on the ground
floor), whose members are either  Gaullists or communists, neither of 
is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are
setting off atomic bombs in  the South Pacific, and acting indignant 
anyone complains.   According to the most current State Department
intelligence, the  President  now is someone named Jacques.  Further
information is not available at  this  time.


The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why.  All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever 
made a
movie  that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.  
nothing,  of course, is more boring than a French novel. Cuisine Let's
face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is  just a 
with a shell on its back.  Croissants, on the other hand, are 
though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce  this word.  In
general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading 
such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.


France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's  
Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all.  If  
are  not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they  are on strike 
blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.  France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are  wine,  nuclear
weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber  weaponry,
grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous
armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.  Among  
361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation 
16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into
Exile  Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is
Great and the  Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.  Other important
holidays are National Nuclear  Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St.
Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1),  and  National Guillotine Day (November


France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and  
temperate climate.  In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't  inhabited by French people.   The best thing that can be said 
it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended  
for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that
you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the
loss of a  limb, report to the  American Embassy between the hours of 
am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday  or  Wednesday, and a consular official who 
supremely indifferent to  your  plight will give you a list of 
dentists or  something similarly useless.   Remember, no one ordered 
to go abroad.  Personally, we always take  our holidays at Miami Beach,
and you are advised to as well.   Thank you and good luck.

Subject: Noise

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock petrol station toilets?  Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste

Subject: Darwin contenders

A strong nominee for the Darwin award. 

Being single isn't that bad when you consider the ways in which you 
can become single, like this poor couple.
Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given 
out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a 
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was
looking to score big with his date on a Friday night. Determined 
to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount 
Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson. They walked to an
open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome by the
romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, 
made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.
The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of 
thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first
few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred
remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of 
electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a
blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the
knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the 
path of least resistance --- straight down! Incredibly, he survived, 
but was in excruciating pain.
The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that 
the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl,
unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student 
looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she
was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, 
which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him
vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more 
pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to
the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo 
wings from the dead girl's face. The student came to, but when
he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay there silently 
in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a
lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones 
only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping 
the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on.
Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a
fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med 
student's car was parked. It was only a matter of minutes before 
three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained
several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the 
partially-eaten girl about 20-feet. Doctors managed to
"successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy 

like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint 
of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was unable---and 
unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a
reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family jewels,
referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable. 
Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously,
we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed 
himself from the gene pool.

Subject: Might just work

Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull  fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only
get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called
the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet,
but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a chld. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital,  I am not pregnant,  I am  not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am
a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.

Your Loving Daughter

Subject: Alledgedly

Coloring Their Judgment
J. Lynn Lunsford - Dallas Morning News - 10/27/98

FAA warns pilots that use of Viagra may cause problem distinguishing
blue, green 

Viagra, the wonder-working drug that has lifted millions of grounded
libidos, apparently has no place in the cockpit. 

Despite its reputation for changing lives, Viagra has a few side
effects that have prompted the Federal Aviation
Administration to warn pilots about its use. 

The potential down side for pilots: It can impair the ability to
distinguish between blue and green. 

This could be a big problem, considering that those colors show up
everywhere in a pilot's workday, from the color
instrument displays in modern cockpits to hundreds of thousands of
taxiway lights at darkened airfields. 

"Although only 3 percent of all patients report visual disturbances,
this blue-green impairment could be dangerous"
while flying in bad weather or at night, writes Dr. Donato J.
Borillo of the U.S. Air Force in the fall edition of Federal
Air Surgeon's Medical Bulletin. 

FAA officials say flight doctors are being urged to tell pilots to
wait a minimum of six hours after a dose of Viagra
before flying. 

In addition to problems with colors, "full attention to the
instrument scan and the task at hand may be compromised,"
Dr. Borillo wrote. 

Officials at locally based Southwest and American airlines said they
were not aware that Viagra use is an issue for
their pilots. 

"I'm not sure there are that many who would admit they needed it,"
said American spokesman John Hotard. 

Dr. Warren Silberman, the FAA doctor who manages the government's
flight-physical program, said he knew of no
accidents or incidents attributable to Viagra. 

"But we have had a tremendous number of pilots and medical examiners
calling in and asking, 'What about Viagra?'
" Dr. Silberman said. 

The answer: "Six hours from Viagra to throttle."

Subject: Thoughts for the day/night/whatever. (Is it Tuesday yet over there?)

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I am not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever. So far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
24 hours a day...24 beers in case...coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energiser Bunny arrested; charged with battery
I poured Spot Remover on my dog; now he's gone
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army.  Meet interesting people.  Kill them
Laughing Stock:  cattle with a sense of humour
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
For Sale: Parachute.  Only used once.  Small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand

Subject: Miraculous rotating flywheels

Its been a a while since we had one of these:

  There was a group of russian soldiers close to a high ravine. The
  sergeant goes close to the edge, looks down, then turns around and
     - Soldier Ivanov!
     - Sir!
     - Put yourself in this position:
                             |  |    |
                             |  |    |
                             |  |    *
                             |  |
                        |       |
                        |       |
      - Yes sir!
      - Now jump!
      - I'm sorry!!???
      - I said JUMP, soldier!
      - Yes sir!, (and jumps)

   The Sergeant looks down to the abyss again, thinks for a while
   and says:

      - Soldier Pyetrov!
      - Sir!
      - Move a little to your left!
      - Yes sir!
      - Put yourself in this position:

                              O  |
                           | |  |
                           | |  |
                      *----' |  |
                             |  |
                             |  |
                             |  `-----

      - Yes sir!
      - Now jump!
      - Yes sir!, (and jumps to the void...)

    Again the sergeant looks down, thinks and  yells:

      - Soldier Sidorov!
      - Sir!
      - Move yourself a little to the right and kneel!
      - Yes sir!
      - Jump!
      - Yes sir!, (and jumps)

  The Sergeant analyses again the situation and  says:

      - Soldier Strogoff!
      - Sir!
      - Put yourself in this position:
                             |  | |
                             |  | |
                             |  | |
                             |  | *
                        |           |
                        |           |

    At that moment a jeep stops. The Captain gets up and yells:

   - Sergeant Tchebychevich!!!, this is the last time that I warn you!
     I find you playing Tetris with the soldiers again, I'm going
     to Court Martial you!

Subject: Antigravity

The Secret of Antigravity

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and
place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece
of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the
Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? 

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that
the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the
combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve
this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. 

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be
modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing
some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. 

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle
to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming
heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several
hundred tabbies. 

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats
will land
on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right
after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship
pissed off aliens crash on top of them. 

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the
aforementioned anti-gravity device. 

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation
(say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their
backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental
felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held

I offer a modest proposal: 

We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a
guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of
ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the
ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in
to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will
automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as
fast as
you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as
well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a
black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter
force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that
point is to
jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known
Gravitational Tidal Force.

Subject: Good stuff

A Woman drives madly up to her house, runs up to the door which she flings
open and shouts "Honey, start packing!!  I've just won the lottery!!" Her
ecstatic husband replies "What should I pack for?  The mountains or the
"I don't care," she says.  "Just get the f**k out."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to
the doctor.  He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In 
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found
his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.  As the two began, they found
themselves in the 69 position.  The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge
to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.  The doctor asked, "How did it
go?"   The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife
shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the
closet with his hands in the air!"

Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced
from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way
your sister likes it too."
You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when
suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says "Hello? "
After some talking on the other end of the line the husband says "How the heck
do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't
know, it was some c*nt who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Did you hear about the Gay magician? He vanished with a poof.

A man takes his wife to the stock show.  They start heading down the alley
that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He
mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and
his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."  The wife turns to her
husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a
month. You could learn from this one!"  They proceeded to the last bull and
his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops
open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You
could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says,
"Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath
and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very
good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
   the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog

Q: What's the difference between bogies and brussel sprouts?
A: Kids won't eat brussel sprouts

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He
managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be
struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over
the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of
the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle
of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming
only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been
seriously hampered.

Subject: Friday humour

There are a dozen beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, where
the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of
nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning
and cooking for them.

The two Russian men each spend all day making sure that the other does not get
any sex and the Russian woman is halfway finished building a pig iron smelter.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature
of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity
of her fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and
it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who
is checking out all the other men, after calling them 'bloody wankers".

One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi
is searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are
satisfied in knowing that at least the English are not getting any.

Subject: A little humour

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around
and stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman asks the priest
if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The
fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest
answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in
the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!" The
priest says "Sir, can you please mind your language?" The fisherman thinks
quickly, and says "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what that fish is called -
a sonofabitch." The priest says "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the
Bishop. The priest says "Look at this big sonofabitch!" The bishop
admonishes him "Father, mind your language, this is a house of God." The
priest says "No, you don't understand - that's what the fish is called, and
I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" The Bishop thinks for a moment and
says "You know, I could clean that sonofabitch and we could have it for

So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the Head Mother. He
says to her "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" The Head
Mother replies "My lord, what language!" The Bishop explains "No, Sister,
that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch".

"Well, all right" says the head mother, "I'll cook that sonofabitch

That night, the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and
asks where they got it. The priest says proudly "I caught the sonofabitch."
The Bishop chimes in with "And I cleaned the sonofabitch.", while the Head
Mother adds "And I cooked the sonofabitch."

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze. Then he takes off
his hat, puts his feet up on the table and says "You know, you fuckers are

Subject: Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect
that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you retard. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

also some signs...

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please
bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and
stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this
door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be
drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garmentshere for
more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know
it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for
free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you
how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the
door - the bell doesn't work)

Subject: More

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was slightly gray
It didn't have a father
Just some borrowed DNA

     It sort of had a mother
     Though the ovum was on loan
     It was not so much a lambkin
     As a little lamby clone

And soon it had a fellow clone
And soon it had some more.
They followed her to school one day
All cramming through the door

     It made the children laugh and sing
     The teachers found it droll
     There were too many lamby clones
     For Mary to control

No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn't vary
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary

     But now they feel quite sheepish
     Those scientists unwary
     One problem solved, but what to do
     With Mary, Mary, Mary...



Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please....  they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you moron!!!

Something else!  Quick!!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn't that fun?  Hope you made a great wish.  Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do.  First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people
in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown
off a high building into a pile of manure.  it's true!  Because, you know,
THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!

Really!!!  Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be mad at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be mad at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain

*20 to 674,951 people: 20 to 674,951 people will be mad at you for sending them
a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!!  Good Luck!!!


Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.  You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no head, no
parents, and no goats.  This little boy's life could be saved, because for
every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving
Legless Armless Headless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go
on, reach out, Send this to 5 people in the next 47seconds.  Oh, and a reminder
- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!


Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!!  This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.  This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
many little 8 year olds writing chain letters.

So this is how it works.  Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes
or something horrible will happen to you like:

Stupid Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday.  She had recently
received this letter and ignored it.  She then tripped in a crack in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
raw sewage, and went flying out over a waterfall.  Not only did she smell
nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Stupid Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored
it.Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend.  They
both died.Their families were so upset that anyone even remotely related to
them (even by marriage) went crazy and spent the rest of their miserable lives
in an institution.This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did.  Just send this letter
to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.


Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to every one of your


-A friend is someone who is always at your side,

-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a refuse from a
rotting garbage dump

-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,

-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself

-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your
loser life,

-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you
should be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown in a pile of manure,

-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry - that's the
cleaning lady,

-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his
wish of being rich to come true.  Now pass this on!  If you don't, you'll be
eaten by wild goats.


Chain Letter Type 5:

This e-mail is wicked-cool!  It was started by Microsoft to test its e-mail
tracking system because, you know, a big high-tech company like Microsoft
always sends important new software out over the internet to be available to
any moron who can operate a computer, right?  Plus, they have formed a secret
merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in
revenue by giving everyone who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it,
knows someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend of
someone who looks at it A FREE, ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland,
DisneyWorld, or EuroDisney!  So pass this on to everyone you know that is
gullible enough to believe this (or not)!  Even if it's not true, hey
-insulting all of your friends by implying that they are gullible by sending
this to them is worth the improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland!
Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of receiving this
kind of junk from you, it's worth the chance, right?  And just for good
measure, if you don't send this on, Microsoft will send its specially trained
attack-goats to pilfer your house and eat all of your family, SO SEND IT


Chain Letter Type 6:


If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.

Do not open it.  Apparently this one is pretty nasty.  It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within
20 feet of your computer.  It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit
cards.  It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR
and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It
will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream
melts and your milk curdles.  It will program your phone AutoDial to call only
your mother-in-law's number.  And so on and so forth...

So be careful!  Forward this to all of your friends, relatives, neighbors,
family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brokers, doctors, and any other
acquaintances!  It's for their own good!  Thank you.


Chain Letter Type 7:

Here is a cute picture I drew.

 (\      /)
 ( \    / )
 (  \  / )
 (  /<\ )
 ( / \/ \)
  /      \       __
 (        )     (  )

It is a decapitated angel.  Send it on to all of your friends so it will
brighten their day like it did yours!  If you don't, demon-possessed goats will
move into your house and eat all of your socks, leading you to believe that
something is wrong with your washing machine because all of your socks keep
disappearing.  Have a nice day!!!



A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor,
fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the
conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the
ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.  Not surprisingly,
he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted,
his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap
him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling.
According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when
he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.  Enraged, he
lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and
killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row.  He again eats
the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.
This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of
water, he tries everything - but still the guy won't die. So again, he is set
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and
beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket.  He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this
point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has
been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret
*"What is it with the bananas?".
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "I'm just
a bad conductor."

Subject: Baz Lurhman anyone?
Drink Alcohol.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, alcohol would be it.
The long-term benefits of alcohol have been consistently misunderstood
by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own drunken experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your
alcohol tolerance until it's faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself puking in
a gutter and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much alcohol you
drank and how fabulous it really was.
You are not as sick as you imagine.
Don't worry about where the next beer is coming from.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page
three model after 15 pints of Stella.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack of ale in the fridge on some
idle Tuesday.
Drink one thing every day that scares you.
Sing badly.
Be reckless when buying other people drinks.
Don't put up with people who are reckless when buying yours.
Don't waste your time on shandy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only to the bar.
Make up compliments you received. Return the insults.
If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer now.
Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in you life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they would
sober up.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still haven't.
Get plenty of kebabs. Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll hardly miss it
when it's gone.
Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40, maybe you'll dance the nude conga at
your 75th University Reunion.
Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate others.
Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy someone else's body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what the lads might
think of it.
It's probably the only time you'll ever pull.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can of
Special Brew.
Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on
your wall.
Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them
for some cash.
Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the bar and the person
most likely to stop you getting your head kicked by a bouncer when
paralytic in the future.
Understand that favourite drinks come and go, but with a precious
flammable few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency, because the
older you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you were
Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce.
Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets stolen.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Beer prices will rise.  Bouncers will throw you out. You, too, will get a
And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young, prices
were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were
NEVER as bad as this.
Respect alcoholics.
Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.
Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird.
But you never know when either one might stop getting you pissed.
Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will look
like a faggot.
Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who
supply it.
Cheap booze is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of fishing old
stock from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the sell-by date and
re-selling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the alcohol.

Subject: More Baz Lurhman

Ladies and gentlemen of the radio industry of 1999: Legal ID.

If I could offer you only one tip for your airshift,
The Legal ID would be it.
The hourly use of the legal ID is mandated by the Radio Authority,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
reliable than this morning's issue of The Radio Magazine.
I will dispense this advice, after this stopset.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your airshift.
Never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your
airshift until you're doing overnights in Cumbria.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll listen to old airchecks of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how many remotes lay before you,
and how many single women called you on the request line.

Your management is not as incompetent as you imagine.

Don't worry about being fired.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to serve a
major market with a kilowatt daytimer in a cow pasture.
The real end to your airshift is something that never crosses your mind,
like the PD announcing a format change at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Say one thing on the air every day that scares your GM.

Sing (your jingles)

Don't be reckless with other jocks' headphones.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don't waste your time on Trends.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The book is long, and in the end corporate will change your format

Remember Marconis you receive, forget the license challenges.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old custom jingles, throw away your old Arbitrons.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what market you want to work in. The
most interesting jocks I know didn't know at 22 what station they wanted
to waste their lives at.
Some of the most interesting 40 year old jocks I know
still can't hold a job.

Get plenty of Jolt.

Be kind to your ears, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll have a good book, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get the morning shift, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll pull a share of 40, maybe your station will be bought
by GWR on its 75th anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate
yourself either. Your ratings are half chance, so are everybody

Enjoy your microphone, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of
it, or what other jocks think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll
ever own.

Hit the post,
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own car.

Read the EAS tests -- even if you don't follow them.
Do not listen to voicetracked stations -- they will only make you bored.

Get to know your SM - you never know when he'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your engineers -- they're your best link to the past,
and the people most likely to get you back on the air at 3AM in the

Understand that PDs come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to put together a killer tape of your best bits, because
the older you get, the more you need the PDs who knew you when your
stuff was still fresh.

Work at a GWR station once, but leave before it makes you talk too fast.
Work at a BBC station once, but leave before it makes you talk too slow.


Accept certain inalienable truths: station prices will rise, sales
managers will philander, you too will get older -- and when
you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, station prices
were reasonable, sales managers were honest, and stations respected the

Respect your listeners.

Don't expect anyone else to run your board.
Maybe you'll have automation,
maybe you'll have a 7 minute song,
but you never know when either might run out.

Don't mess too much with your voice,
or by the time you're 40, you'll sound like Alan Freeman.

Be careful which consultant's advice you buy, but be patient with
the consultant who supplies it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a form of pulling a 70s
hit off the shelf, setting it to a dance beat, getting Norman Cook to
produce it, and putting it back into A rotation until it burns out again.

But trust me on the legal IDs.

Subject: New Scientist

From the New Scientist:

       I WONDER whether any New Scientist readers can
       shed light on an enigma which has been perplexing my
       daughter and myself. Why aren't sheep green? 
       S. P. Kingsley 
       (31 August 1991) 


       I BELIEVE the answer may be this: sheep are most at
       risk from predators when alone rather than when
       congregated in a flock. They are most likely to be isolated
       during the winter months when they are often caught in
       snowdrifts. Under such conditions the white fleecy coat
       would have two advantages, warmth and camouflage.
       Such sheep would have an evolutionary advantage. 
       Elaine Dignan 
       (14 September 1991) 


       IT IS evident that the lack of greenness amongst sheep
       has evolved as a defence mechanism against
       ducks--sheep being permanently quadrupedal, they are
       four times more likely than a flamingo to be bumped into by

       If green sheep ever evolved, they would suffer 
       substantially greater inconvenience as they would be
       invisible against a background of duck-weed, thus
       provoking even 
       more collisions. 
       Tony Howard 
       (14 September 1991) 


       PERHAPS there are green sheep, but no one ever
       Adrian Bowyer 
       (31 August 1991) 


       RECENTLY, Stephen Young showed that whereas
       lowlier aquatic animals like hydra do have green symbiotic
       algae, there are no green herbivorous mammals or other
       terrestrial animals because they have such a small surface
       area compared with that of plant leaves that they could
       never photosynthesise a square meal. 
       Michael Cotterill 
       (14 September 1991) 


       ALL the familiar breeds of sheep that we see today are 
       the product of artificial selection created by generations of 
       farmers, and they have probably all been bred for white 
       wool because it will take up dye more easily and is
       therefore more valuable. 
       Carole Nadin 
       (14 September 1991) 


       ALL THE ANSWERS to S. P. Kingsley's question should
       compulsory study on every science course, as they
       illustrate almost every type of answer that it is possible to
       give to a scientific question! 

       There is the textbook Darwinist interpretation which doesn't
       look too deeply into special conditions ("evolution works like
       this"), the realist or causative answer ("sheep are bred this
       way for a purpose"), the ecological niche argument ("green
       things are green because . . . "), the reference to other
       fields of study, the frivolous answer, the humorous quip
       with political overtones and, last but not least, an example
       of lateral thinking that questions the validity of the

       We seem to be missing the religious answer ("God made
       sheep white") and its modern equivalent the philosophical
       answer ("the Theory of Everything says green sheep are
       impossible"), the climatic change theory ("green sheep
       became extinct 10 million years ago"), the anti-industrial
       theory ("environmental pollution killed them all") and its
       cousin the cultural impact study ("Spanish sailors killed the
       last one in Madagascar in 1763") and, of course, the
       conspiracy theory ("blame the CIA /the KGB/ aliens"). 

       These arguments illustrate the extent to which our
       understanding of nature depends on the type of
       explanations we seek, a point which is not often stressed
       but is nonetheless fundamental to the nature of scientific
       enquiry. Perhaps every student should be required to give
       examples of each type of answer to some suitably simple
       Anthony New 
       (14 September 1991) 

Subject: Sig file?
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential
privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low
self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you
are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying
of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and
constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation
has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning,
it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No
animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie
next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with
an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there
is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just
ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete
circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no
harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error,
please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40
minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

Subject: US Elections


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need 
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect: 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through. 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 

11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason 

12. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to
be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you

13. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take
six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks. 

14. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the
change immediately. 

15. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport
and job allocation. 

16. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber. 

17. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the
Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial. 

18. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the
National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan. 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). 

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!

Subject: Bad Jokes

 Sign over a gynecologist's office:
 "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

 On a Plumbers truck:
 "We repair what your husband fixed."

 On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
 "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

 Pizza shop slogan:
 "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

 At a tire shop
 "Invite us to your next blowout."

 Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
 "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

 At a towing company:
 "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 On an electrician's truck:
 "Let us remove your shorts."

 In a non-smoking area:
 "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."

 On a maternity room door:
 "Push. Push. Push."

 At an optitions:
 "If you don't see what you're looking for,
 you've come to the right place."

 On a taxidermist's window:
 "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
 "Time wounds all heels."

 On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

 At a car dealership:
 "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 Outside an exaust shop:
 "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 In a veterinarian's waiting room:
 "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 At the electric company:
 "We would be de-lighted if you send in your
 bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

 In a restaurant window:
 "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait"

©Eddy Langley - This page last updated 29 January 2005