Films


Subject: Things you never know without the movies

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside
her.
 ---
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
 ---
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
 ---
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
 ---
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
 ---
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
 ---
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
 ---
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable
to bullets.
 ---
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
your mouth shut.
 ---
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
 ---
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
 ---
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when  they're going to go off.
 ---
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
 ---
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
wisecracks are your best weapons.
 ---
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at 1 man.
 ---
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
closely.
 ---
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
 ---
freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organizations - even though the job will
require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own
certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
 ---
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if
any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
 ---
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
 ---
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
 ---
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
 ---
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
 ---
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
 ---
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.
 ---
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow
tie.
 ---
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
 ---
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
 ---
Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth
birthday.
 ---
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
 ---
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
 ---
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will
fall in love.
 ---
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
 ---
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
 ---
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
 ---
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
 ---
You're likely to survive any battle in any war  unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
 ---
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building  in
Paris.
 ---
People on  TV never finish their drinks.
 ---
The chief of police is always black.
 ---
When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
note. Just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will  always be
the exact fare.
 ---
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat
them.
 ---
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
football stadium.
 ---
If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just
relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
 ---
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
 ---
All single women have a cat.
 ---
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
 ---
If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by
frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
 ---
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts experts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening  manner until  you
have knocked out their predecessor.
 ---
Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
 ---
No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity
system is never damaged.
 ---
If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in
the vicinity.
 ---
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
 ---
It is always possible to park directly outside the building  you are
visiting.
 ---
Guns are like disposable razers - if you run out of bullets,  just
throw the gun away.  You can always buy a new one.
 ---
Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
 ---
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
 ---
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you  bump into
will know all the steps.
 ------

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade-at any time of the year.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba
diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you want without
difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition-even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade
or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises while wearing their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective-or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will
have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, he
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
-- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.

Subject: Hong Kong film subtitles

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

 1.  I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
 2.  Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
 3.  Gun wounds again?
 4.  Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
 5.  A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
 6.  Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
 7.  Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
 8.  Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
 9.  Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
 And finally...

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Subject: Star Wars tunes

 
              ** Y.O.D.A (To the Village People`s "Y.M.C.A")
              **
              ** (As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

               YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
               YOUNG MAN, now it`s muddy and brown. I said
               YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, `cause I
               *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
               YOUNG MAN, There`s no need to feel fear. I am
               WONDERIN`, tell me why are you here? How you
               GROWIN`, from this food on the plate, I say
               *WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
                                                    
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
               He`s 900 years old!
               He`s so strong in the Force!
               Do your Jedi Diploma course!
 
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
               Come and get yourself clean!
               Come and have a good meal!
               Pretty soon now, the Force you`ll feel!
 
               YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
               SOMETHIN` brown that smells like a sty, and 
                this
               TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got *SPAT*
               *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN,
               Welcome to Dagobah. He is
               COMIN`, master Yoda not far. I`ll be
               HAVIN` this bright thing that ain`t hot. It is
               *MINE* *OR* *I`LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
 
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
               He`s 900 years old!
               He`s so strong in the Force!
               Do your Jedi Diploma course!
 
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
               You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
               Don`t just stand in the rain!
               You`re all covered with mud!
               come and sample my homemade crud!
 
               OLD BEN, Are you listenin to me? I can`t
               TRAIN HIM, he`s so reckless you see! Like his
               OLD MAN, he`s so angry but brave! Betcha
               *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
               YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
               GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
               TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
               *WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU`RE* *A* *JERK*
 
               You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
               You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
               You should stay here and train!
               You don`t have to save Han!
               If you do so, you`ll lose your hand!
 
               You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
               (repeat and fade).
 
   
   
                 ** Imperial Rhapsody by: Queen
                 **
                 ** (sung to: Bohemian Rhapsody)
   
                 LANDO: This is the good life
                 This is a fantasy

©Eddy Langley - This page last updated 29 January 2005