Subject: Hell
Actual question given on a university chemistry exam:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of
their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats
up when it is compressed) or
  some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
 they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two
possibilities. (1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (2) Of course, if Hell is
expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is
it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during
my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still
 have not succeeded in shagging her, then (2) cannot be true, and so
Conclusion: Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

Subject: Student Humour

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours.

       Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social,
political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia,
America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

       You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

       Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or

       Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 
if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 
Prove your thesis.

       Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

       Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of
each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of
Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each 
man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to

       Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end 
of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

       Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create 
a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an
1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your 
algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control

       The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in 
a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in
Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the 
room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify
your decision.

       Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace
the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for
preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points 
of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated 
in your answer to the last question.

       There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War
III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

       Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your

       Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation
of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

       Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its 
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

       Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

       Define the universe; give three examples.

Subject: More Schoolkid howlers

The following "howlers were taken from GCSE history and RE papers
written by children in a London comprehensive school. The spelling is
their own.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called Mummies. They lived in the Sarah
dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain parts of the
desserts are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangle.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinneses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of
Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark.

Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs,
but they did not take to it.

One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also has
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of
Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.

Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the
"Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured
on his journey.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law
into their own hands.

There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they
fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians
had more men.

Eventually the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets the guests wore garlic in their hair.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battle field of Gaul. The
ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made

Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred lived in the Age of Shivery,
King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan
of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and
also wrote literature.

Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull.

It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made
him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions
and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented 
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. 
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and

In one of the Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloqy. In another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote
"Donkey Hote".

The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost".
Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called  the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the
pilgrims crossed the ocean, and they was called the Pilgrim's

When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians who
came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. Then Indian
Squabs carried porposies on their back.

Many of their Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for
the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had
to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin had gone to Boston carying all his clothes in his pocket and
a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented electricity by rubbing
cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot
stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. When Lincoln was President he wore only a tall silk
hat. He said "in onion there is strength".

Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while travelling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope . He also signed
the Emasculation Proclamation and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the
ex-Nergoes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.

On the night of 14 April, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedli insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song
of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.

During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling
in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and
nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems
and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years
and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.

Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a
cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ
of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became
one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

©Eddy Langley - This page last updated 29 January 2005