Computers


Subject: TUX

Every generation has a mythology. Every millennium has a 
doomsday cult.  Every legend gets the distortion knob wound up 
until the speaker melts.  

Archeologists at the University of Helsinki today uncovered what 
could be the earliest known writings from the Cult of Tux, a 
fanatical religious sect that flourished during the early Silicon Age, 
just before the dawn of the third millennium AD.




The Gospel of Tux (v1.0)

In the beginning Turing created the Machine.

And the Machine was crufty and bodacious, existing in theory only. 
And von Neumann looked upon the Machine, and saw that it was 
crufty. He divided the Machine into two Abstractions, the Data and 
the Code, and yet the two were one Architecture. This is a great 
Mystery, and the beginning of wisdom.

And von Neumann spoke unto the Architecture, and blessed it, 
saying, "Go forth and replicate, freely exchanging data and code, 
and bring forth all manner of devices unto the earth." And it was so, 
and it was cool.  The Architecture prospered and was implemented 
in hardware and software.  And it brought forth many Systems unto 
the earth.

The first Systems were mighty giants; many great works of renown 
did they accomplish. Among them were Colossus, the 
codebreaker; ENIAC, the targeter; EDSAC and MULTIVAC and all 
manner of froody creatures ending in AC, the experimenters; and 
SAGE, the defender of the sky and father of all networks. These 
were the mighty giants of old, the first children of Turing, and their 
works are written in the Books of the Ancients. This was the First 
Age, the age of Lore.

Now the sons of Marketing looked upon the children of Turing, and 
saw that they were swift of mind and terse of name and had many 
great and baleful attributes. And they said unto  themselves, "Let 
us go now and make us Corporations, to bind the Systems to our 
own use that they may bring us great fortune." With sweet words 
did they lure their customers, and with many chains did they bind 
the Systems, to fashion them after their own image. And the sons 
of Marketing fashioned themselves Suits to wear, the better to lure 
their customers, and wrote grave and perilous Licenses, the better 
to bind the Systems. And the sons of Marketing thus became 
known as Suits, despising and being despised by the true 
Engineers, the children of von Neumann.

And the Systems and their Corporations replicated and grew 
numerous upon the earth. In those days there were IBM and 
Digital, Burroughs and Honeywell, Unisys and Rand, and many 
others. And they each kept to their own System, hardware and 
software, and did not interchange, for their Licenses forbade it. This 
was the Second Age, the age of Mainframes.  

Now it came to pass that the spirits of Turing and von Neumann 
looked upon the earth and were displeased. The Systems and their 
Corporations had grown large and bulky, and Suits ruled over true 
Engineers. And the Customers groaned and cried loudly unto 
heaven, saying, "Oh that there would be created a System mighty 
in power, yet small in size, able to reach into the very home!" And 
the Engineers groaned and cried likewise, saying, "Oh, that a 
deliverer would arise to grant us freedom from these oppressing 
Suits and their grave and perilous Licenses, and send us a
System of our own, that we may hack therein!" And the spirits of 
Turing and von Neumann heard the cries and were moved, and said 
unto each other, "Let us go down and fabricate a Breakthrough, 
that these cries may be stilled."

And that day the spirits of Turing and von Neumann spake unto 
Moore of Intel, granting him insight and wisdom to understand the 
future. And Moore was with chip, and he brought forth the chip and 
named it 4004.

And Moore did bless the Chip, saying, "Thou art a Breakthrough; 
with my own Corporation have I fabricated thee. Thou thou art yet 
as small as a dust mote, yet shall thou grow and replicate unto the 
size of a mountain, and conquer all before thee. This blessing I give 
unto thee: every eighteen months shall thou double in capacity, 
until the end of the age." This is Moore's Law, which endures unto 
this day.

And the birth of 4004 was the beginning of the Third Age, the age of
Microchips. And as the Mainframes and their Systems and 
Corporations had flourished, so did the Microchips and their 
Systems and Corporations.

And their lineage was on this wise:

Moore begat Intel. Intel begat Mostech, Zilog and Atari. Mostech 
begat 6502, and Zilog begat Z80. Intel also begat 8800, who begat 
Altair; and 8086, mother of all PCs. 6502 begat Commodore, who 
begat PET and 64; and Apple, who begat 2. (Apple is the great 
Mystery, the Fruit that was devoured, yet bloomed again.) Atari 
begat 800 and 1200, masters of the game, who were destroyed by 
Sega and Nintendo. Xerox begat PARC.  Commodore and PARC 
begat Amiga, creator of fine arts; Apple and PARC begat Lisa, who 
begat Macintosh, who begat iMac. Atari and PARC begat ST, the 
music maker, who died and was no more. Z80 begat Sinclair the
dwarf, TRS-80 and CP/M, who begat many machines, but soon 
passed from this world. Altair, Apple and Commodore together 
begat Microsoft, the Great Darkness which is called Abomination, 
Destroyer of the Earth, the Gates of Hell.

Now it came to pass in the Age of Microchips that IBM, the 
greatest of the Mainframe Corporations, looked upon the young 
Microchip Systems and was greatly vexed. And in their vexation 
and wrath they smote the earth and created the IBM PC. The PC 
was without sound and colour, crufty and bodacious in great 
measure, and its likeness was a tramp, yet the Customers were 
greatly moved and did purchase the PC in great numbers.  And 
IBM sought about for an Operating System Provider, for in their
haste they had not created one, nor had they forged a suitably 
grave and perilous License, saying, "First we will build the market, 
then we will create a new System, one in our own image, and 
bound by our License."  But they reasoned thus out of pride and 
not wisdom, not foreseeing the wrath which was to come.
  
And IBM came unto Microsoft, who licensed unto them QDOS, the 
child of CP/M and 8086. (8086 was the daughter of Intel, the child 
of Moore).  And QDOS grew, and was named MS-DOS. And MS-
DOS and the PC together waxed mighty, and conquered all 
markets, replicating and taking possession thereof, in  accordance 
with Moore's Law. And Intel grew terrible and devoured all her 
children, such that no chip could stand before her.  And Microsoft 
grew proud and devoured IBM, and this was a great marvel in
the land. All these things are written in the Books of the Deeds of
Microsoft.

In the fullness of time MS-DOS begat Windows.

And this is the lineage of Windows:

CP/M begat QDOS. QDOS begat DOS 1.0. DOS 1.0 begat DOS 
2.0 by way of Unix. DOS 2.0 begat Windows 3.11 by way of PARC 
and Macintosh. IBM and Microsoft begat OS/2, who begat 
Windows NT and Warp, the lost OS of lore. Windows 3.11 begat 
Windows 95 after triumphing over Macintosh in a mighty Battle of 
Licenses. Windows NT begat NT 4.0 by way of Windows 95. NT 
4.0 begat NT 5.0, the OS also called Windows 2000, The 
Millennium Bug, Doomsday, Armageddon, The End Of All Things.

Now it came to pass that Microsoft had waxed great and mighty 
among the Microchip Corporations; mightier than any of the 
Mainframe Corporations before it had it waxed. And Gates' heart 
was hardened, and he swore unto his Customers and their 
Engineers the words of this curse:

"Children of von Neumann, hear me. IBM and the Mainframe 
Corporations bound thy forefathers with grave and perilous 
Licenses, such that ye cried unto the spirits of Turing and von 
Neumann for deliverance.  Now I say unto ye: I am greater than any 
Corporation before me. Will I loosen your Licenses? Nay, I will bind 
thee with Licenses twice as grave and ten times more perilous than 
my forefathers. I will engrave my License on thy heart and write my 
Serial Number upon thy frontal lobes. I will bind thee to the 
Windows Platform with cunning artifices and with devious 
schemes. I will bind thee to the Intel Chipset with crufty code and 
with gnarly APIs. I will capture and enslave thee as no generation 
has been enslaved before. And wherefore will ye cry then unto the
spirits of Turing, and von Neumann, and Moore? They cannot hear 
ye.  I am become a greater Power than they. Ye shall cry only unto 
me, and  shall live by my mercy and my wrath. I am the Gates of 
Hell; I hold the portal to MSNBC and the keys to the Blue Screen 
of Death. Be ye afraid; be ye greatly afraid; serve only me, and live."

And the people were cowed in terror and gave homage to Microsoft, 
and endured the many grave and perilous trials which the Windows 
platform and its greatly bodacious License forced upon them. And 
once again did they cry to Turing and von Neumann and Moore for 
a deliverer, but none was found equal to the task until the birth of 
Linux.

These are the generations of Linux:

SAGE begat ARPA, which begat TCP/IP, and Aloha, which begat 
Ethernet.  Bell begat Multics, which begat C, which begat Unix. 
Unix and TCP/IP begat Internet, which begat the World Wide Web. 
Unix begat RMS, father of the great GNU, which begat the Libraries 
and Emacs, chief of the Utilities. In the days of the Web, Internet 
and Ethernet begat the Intranet LAN, which rose to renown among 
all Corporations and prepared the way for the Penguin. And Linus 
and the Web begat the Kernel through Unix. The Kernel, the 
Libraries and the Utilities together are the Distribution, the one 
Penguin in many forms, forever and ever praised.

Now in those days there was in the land of Helsinki a young scholar
named Linus the Torvald. Linus was a devout man, a disciple of 
RMS and mighty in the spirit of Turing, von Neumann and Moore. 
One day as he was meditating on the Architecture, Linus fell into a 
trance and was granted a vision. And in the vision he saw a great 
Penguin, serene and well-favored, sitting upon an ice floe eating 
fish. And at the sight of the Penguin Linus was deeply afraid, and 
he cried unto the spirits of Turing, von Neumann and Moore for an 
interpretation of the dream.

And in the dream the spirits of Turing, von Neumann and Moore 
answered and spoke unto him, saying, "Fear not, Linus, most 
beloved hacker. You are exceedingly cool and froody. The great 
Penguin which you see is an Operating System which you shall 
create and deploy unto the earth. The ice-floe is the earth and all 
the systems thereof, upon which the Penguin shall rest and rejoice 
at the completion of its task. And the fish on which the Penguin 
feeds are the crufty Licensed codebases which swim beneath all 
the earth's systems. The Penguin shall hunt and devour all that is 
crufty, gnarly and bodacious; all code which wriggles like 
spaghetti, or is infested with blighting creatures, or is bound by 
grave and perilous Licenses shall it capture. And in capturing shall 
it replicate, and in replicating shall it document, and in 
documentation shall it bring freedom, serenity and most cool 
froodiness to the earth and all who code therein."

Linus rose from meditation and created a tiny Operating System 
Kernel as the dream had foreshewn him; in the manner of RMS, he 
released the Kernel unto the World Wide Web for all to take and 
behold. And in the fullness of Internet Time the Kernel grew and 
replicated, becoming most cool and exceedingly froody, until at 
last it was recognized as indeed a great and mighty Penguin, 
whose name was Tux. And the followers of Linus took refuge in the 
Kernel, the Libraries and the Utilities; they installed Distribution 
after Distribution, and made sacrifice unto the GNU and the 
Penguin, and gave thanks to the spirits of Turing, von
Neumann and Moore, for their deliverance from the hand of 
Microsoft. And this was the beginning of the Fourth Age, the age of 
Open Source.

Now there is much more to be said about the exceeding strange 
and wonderful events of those days; how some Suits of Microsoft 
plotted war upon the Penguin, but were discovered on a Halloween 
Eve; how Gates fell among lawyers and was betrayed and crucified 
by his former friends, the apostles of Media; how the mercenary 
Knights of the Red Hat brought the gospel of the Penguin into the 
halls of the Corporations; and even of the dispute between the 
brethren of Gnome and KDE over a trollish License. But all these 
things are recorded elsewhere, in the Books of the Deeds of the 
Penguin and the Chronicles of the Fourth Age, and I suppose if 
they were all narrated they would fill a stack of DVDs as deep and 
perilous as a Usenet Newsgroup.

Now may you code in the power of the Source; may the Kernel, the
Libraries and the Utilities be with you, throughout all Distributions,
until the end of the Epoch. Amen.

Subject: Male and Female computers

And now for the question of the day - is your computer 'male' or female'?
You decide!
As you are aware, ships have long been  characterized as being female.
(e.g."Steady as she goes" or  "She's listing to starboard, Captain!", or
even "Captain, if I give her any
more she's gonna blow!") Recently, a group of  computer scientists (all
male) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for
drawing this conclusion follow:


Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers
     is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
     "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
     spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
1.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem.
3.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a
     little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4.  In  order to get their attention, they have to be turned on.
5.  Big power  surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Subject: Unix Command List

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

Subject: WORK virus

This is serious...a "WORK" virus is on the loose...

If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, internet, or
simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT!

The "work" virus has been circulating round our building for months and
those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that
their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify the virus,
send an e-mail to your boss with the words, "I've had enough of your
shit...I'm off down the pub". The "work" should automatically be forgotten
by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.

If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document and
drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat
and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. After
repeating this action 14 times you will find that "work" will no longer be
of any relevance to you.

Subject: Warning!!!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! 

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD
IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! 

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It
tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. 

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible
with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors
that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women
and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT!
Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. 

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! 

Subject: Software Revision Names

     The Guide to Software Revision Names
     
     Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that 
     each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is 
     obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the 
     product, but in reality there's substantially more information 
     available through the rev code than that. This article provides a 
     guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they 
     actually signify. 
     
     1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had 
     to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and 
     the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that 
     you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that 
     its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing 
     copy. 
     
     1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs. 
     
     1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we 
     had to fix them, too. 
     
     2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind 
     you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on 
     it. 
     
     2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major 
     changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing 
     this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were 
     fixing these bugs. 
     
     2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you 
     won't believe how much trouble it caused! 
     
     2.3: Some anal-retentive pain in the ass found a deep-seated bug 
     that's been there since 1.0 and has been raising hell until we fixed 
     it! 
     
     3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers 
     are really happy with this. 
     
     3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. 
     
     4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll 
     need to get more memory and a faster processor ... 
     
     4.1: Just one or two bugs this time... Honest! 
     
     5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an 
     installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after 
     this. 
     
     6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but 
     it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call 
     it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features 
     so we could justify the major upgrade number. 
     
     6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the 
     lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the 
     changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute 
     demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark 
     little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't 
     do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll 
     try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be 
     made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case 
     somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses 
     them. 

Subject: Who needs multi-media
     
     Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge device (BOOK)
     
     ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
     
     It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric 
     circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.  It's 
     so easy to use even a child can operate it.  Just lift its cover. 
     Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an 
     armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much 
     information as a CD-ROM disk.
     
     Here's how it works.  Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially 
     numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding 
     thousands of bits of information.  These pages are locked together 
     with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in 
     their correct sequence.  By using both sides of each sheet, 
     manufacturers
     are able to cut costs in half.
     
     Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into 
     your brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The 
     BOOK may
     be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" 
     feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or 
     backward as you wish.  Most come with an "index" feature, which 
     pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant 
     retrieval.
     
     An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the 
     exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the BOOK has 
     been closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single 
     BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
     
     Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave 
     of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge 
     in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib 
     Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus.
     
     - ends -

Subject: Wife 1.0
     
     Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and 
     found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for 
     other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is spawning 
     child processess which are further consuming valuable resources.
     No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product 
     brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him 
     that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
     
     Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always 
     launced at system initialization wher it can monitor all other system 
     activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, 
     BeerBash 2.5 and Pubnite 7.0.1 are no longer able to run, crashing the 
     system when selected (Even though they worked under Girlfriend 6.0).
     
     At initialization, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired 
     plug-ins, such as Motherinlaw 55.8 and Brotherinlaw Beta release, as a 
     consequence system performance seems to deminish with each passing 
     day.
     
     Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 are :-
     
        -  A "Don't remind me again" Button
        -  Minimize Button
        -  An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed
           with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of 
           cache and other system resources.
        -  An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
           would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater 
           use.
     
     I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 
     1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 5.0. Even here, however, I found many 
     problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfiend 5.0 on top of 
     
     Girlfriend 4.5. You must uninstall Girlfriend 4.5 first. Other users 
     say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of, 
     also the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the 
     I/O port.
     The uninstall program for Girlfriend 4.5 doesn't work very well 
     leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another 
     annoying problem is that all versions of Girlfriend continually popup 
     messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
     
     *****  BUG WARNING  *****
     
     Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 
     1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSmoney files 
     before executing a self uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse 
     to install, claiming insufficient system resources.
     
     *****  BUG WORK AROUNDS  *****
     
     To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different 
     system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 
     6.0, also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been 
     known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
     
     Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider 
     under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can 
     accidently be downloaded from the UseNet. 

Subject: Dumb Car Jokes
At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates 
reportedly compared the computer industry to the 
automotive industry and stated: "If GM had kept 
up with technology like the computer industry has, 
we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 
miles to the gallon." General Motors addressed 
this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, 
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

More thoughts,
1.  Every time they repainted the yellow lines 
    on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2.  Occasionally the car would die on the freeway 
    for no reason, and you would just accept this, 
    restart and drive on.
3.  Occasionally, executing a common manoeuvre 
    would cause your car to stop and fail, and you 
    would have to reinstall the engine. For some 
    strange reason, you would accept this too.
4.  You could have only one person in the car at the 
    same time, unless bought "Car95" or "CarNT". 
    But then you would have to buy more seats.
5.  Apple would make a car that came fully loaded 
    with equipment, was powered by the sun, reliable, 
    five times as fast, twice as easy to drive,, but 
    would do no advertising and have no dealerships.
6.  The Macintosh car owners would be required by 
    their employers to get expensive Microsoft upgrades 
    to their cars, which would make their cars run much 
    slower.
7.  The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would 
    be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning 
    light which would come on only when it was too 
    late to fix the problem.
8.  Buying a new set of tyres would also require you to 
    buy multiple other accessories or the car wouldn't 
    run properly.
9.  The airbag system would say 'are you sure?' before 
    going off.
10. The resale value would drop 75% as soon as you 
    drove it out of the showroom and would be $0.00 
    in two years... trade ins? forget about it.
11. For service you would have to call a toll-free number 
    and select the proper number for the repair you wish 
    to have done. An automated voice would walk you 
    through the steps to repair the car yourself and when 
    that didn't work, would refer you to the company that 
    sold the gas for the car.

Subject: User support

Actual dialogue of a fired WordPerfect Customer Support employee: 

----------------------

"Hello, How may I help you?" 
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." 
"What sort of trouble?" 
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
"Went away?" 
"They disappeared." 
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" 
"Nothing." 
"Nothing?" 
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." 
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" 
"How do I tell?" 
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" 
"What's a sea-prompt?" 
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" 
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." 
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" 
"What's a monitor?" 
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?" 
"I don't know." 
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
......."Yes, I think so." 
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall." 
......."Yes, it is." 
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No." 
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable." 
......."Okay, here it is." 
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer." 
"I can't reach." 
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" 
"No." 
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" 
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?" 
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then." 
"I can't." 
"No? Why not?" 
"Because there's a power outage." 
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." 
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." 
"Really? Is it that bad?" 
"Yes, I'm afraid it is." 
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" 
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." 

Subject: Monday Thing

"Star Trek - Lost Episodes" Transcript

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"

(Geordi) "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."

(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than the Rubik Cube."

(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
thecommand unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected
'upgrade'."

(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."

(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
by not sending in their registration cards."

(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"

(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

(Riker) "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"

(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called
the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

(Picard) "How much time will that buy us?"

(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

(Picard) "Identify."

(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo"

(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"

(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"

(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers!!"

(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."

(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."

(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it
often proves fatal."

(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."

END

Subject: Geek Theology

Geek Theology

         Author Unknown

  In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

  On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was.
  (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and
  "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

  On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read
  the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the
  universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory
  refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter)
  reinstalling the universe.

  On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a
  sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the
  original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately
  realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand
  and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit.
  Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

  On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical
  shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by
  performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most
  Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

  On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
  the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift
  stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

  On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented
  pipelines,
  register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
  instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation
  delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the
  sixth day must have been a Monday.

  On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into
  the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

Subject: Things you wish your computer had

key Word menu Word hidden settings


Subject: Helpful Microsoft

Word suicide note Office Assistant Keyboard Error Go to hell dialogue Random error

©Eddy Langley - This page last updated 29 January 2005